Sex, Body Image, and Self Esteem

There are many connections between our sexual choices and how we feel inside. Liking our bodies, especially for women and girls, has become increasingly difficult with so many pressures from media, television, Much Music and MTV videos, video games, magazines and so forth reminding us constantly to be perfectly beautiful, thin and sexy all the time.

Our society places a lot of value on how we look, and since we all want to belong, it becomes increasingly difficult to not be obsessive about our physical appearance.

The more content we are within ourselves frees us to love our bodies as they are. Our confidence and self-esteem determine how we judge ourselves, those around us, and the choices we make in our lives.

We all know that the woman on TV and in print 'aren't real' in that they have been taped up, touched up, digitally enhanced, digitally reduced, starved, or what have you. But, we also need to be aware that it is easy to fall into the trap of comparison, and it is impossible to measure up to someone who is not you!

Awareness is key to our healthy mental and emotional development as individuals. The little voice that creeps up in our heads and says, "ugh, you look so fat today, yuck"; or, "you're so stupid, that was such a dumb thing to say" is one of the most self damaging things we can allow ourselves to do. It is important to try and reprogram our internal dialogue to not allow our self-deprecating voice to get airtime. Tune in so you can turn it off!

We are all special and unique and we need to treat ourselves with respect at all times. It is respecting ourselves that will encourage others to treat us as we deserve to be treated, and will give us the courage to rid ourselves of those who do not.

Healthy sexual choices and sound decision making come from having a good sense of self. We must know who we are in order to know what we want. Everything is connected.

From The Cedric Centre - Community Eating Disorder and Related Issues Counselling

Healthy sexual and emotional development starts with narcissism or self-fascination in childhood. As we grow to adulthood we should also be able to love others.

As we mature, many of us who grew up in loving but protective families wrestle with the need for parental approval and the need to become adult, sexual beings that enjoy sex for fun and our own fulfillment.

The awareness of our development and the exploration of our bodies is typically done privately but is also a natural part of our growth.

Our confidence to let our sexuality blossom freely depends on our inner confidence that this is a good part of us to develop. The values of our parents must not be so opposed to the concept of sexuality as good and worthwhile that we much chose between being the good daughter/son or exploring our sexual selves.

  • We need someone to whom we can speak about our feelings at this time. Someone to get information from without judgment or shame.
  • Our doctors are often seen as unsafe or uncomfortable and we wonder as young people about how private our concerns will be kept.
  • Our peers may be suffering from their own discomfort about sexuality and may be misinformed as a result.
Masters and Johnson did great work to bring awareness to the normalcy of sexual desires and sexual exploration. They also unwittingly set a standard or sexuality that when not met creates a sense of inadequacy and anxiety. We are not told to expect our sexuality to unfold over time. We are not told that it is learning and exploring over time that allows worthwhile sexual experiences to arise. If we are free to own our desires and instincts in a way that feels right for us we will be able to use our instincts to perform/behave sexually as we wish with whomever we wish.



Self-Esteem and Boundaries

We might believe that if we respect ourselves and put our needs first we will be labelled a bitch or asshole or selfish and the fear of being seen in such a way keeps us from fulfilling our needs.

A dose of vanity is a blessing - it can motivate people to take care of themselves, to present themselves to the world attractively, and to become people of visibility and effectiveness. It can motivate us to bring beauty and care to our homes and our persons.

Remember, excessive modesty can be just as narcissistic and equally unattractive as excessive vanity.

How satisfied are you with each aspect of your body?

1 = very dissatisfied
2 = mostly dissatisfied
3 = neither satisfied or dissatisfied
4 = mostly satisfied
5 = very satisfied

  1. Face (facial features, complexion) ____
  2. Hair (color, thickness, texture) ____
  3. Lower torso (buttocks, hips, thighs, legs) ____
  4. Mid torso (waist, stomach) ____
  5. Upper torso (chest or breasts, shoulders, arms) ____
  6. Muscle tone ____
  7. Weight ____
  8. Height ____
  9. Any other area/aspect you dislike:_____________ ____
  10. "_______________" ____

Quiz Scoring
Your score should fall between 8 and 40.
A very low score is 8 - 22
Low is 23 - 25
Average is 26 - 27
High is 28 - 32
Very high is 33 - 40.

Low scores could result from one of three concerns:

1. They could reflect several distinct sources of displeasure. Your body is a moving target for your discontent.
2. Not liking your weight may spill over to any body area that you think betray your weight. You only have one complaint but it affects your evaluation of several features.
3. You may be body neutral and have no strong feelings good or bad about any facet of your looks. Being neutral may prevent the pain of discontent but it also precludes chances to appreciate and enjoy your best features.

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    © 2012 Sexual Health Centre Saskatoon -- Updated March 21, 2012.