Healthy Relationships
Healthy relationships are characterized by respect, sharing and trust. They are based on the belief that both partners are equal and that the power and control in the relationship are equally shared. Some of the characteristics of healthy relationships are:
Respect: Listening to one another, valuing each other's
opinions, and listening in a non-judgmental manner. Respect also involves
attempting to understand and affirm the other's emotions.
Trust and Support: Supporting each other's goals
in life, and respecting each other's right to his/her own feelings,
opinions, friends, activities and interest. Valuing one's partner
as an individual.
Honesty and Accountability: Communicating openly
and truthfully, admitting mistakes or being wrong, acknowledging past
use of violence, and accepting responsibility for one's self.
Shared Responsibility: Making family/relationship decisions together, mutually agreeing on a distribution of work which is fair to both partners. If parents, the couple shares parental responsibilities and acts as positive, non-violent role models for the children.
Economic Partnership: In marriage or cohabitation, making financial decisions together, and making sure both partners benefit from financial arrangements.
Negotiation and Fairness: Being willing to compromise, accepting change, and seeking mutually satisfying solutions to conflict.
Non-threatening Behavior: Talking and acting in a
way that promotes both partners' feelings of safety in the relationship.
Both should feel comfortable and safe in expressing him/herself and
in engaging in activities.
Basic Rights in a Relationship
- The right to emotional support
- The right to be heard by the other and to be responded to with courtesy
- The right to have your own point of view, even if it differs from your partner's
- The right to have your feelings and experiences acknowledged as real
- The right to live free form accusation and blame
- The right to live free from emotional and physical threat
- The right to live free from criticism and judgment
- The right to live free from angry outbursts and rage
- The right to be respectfully asked, rather than ordered
Boundaries
Boundaries are important in determining the health of a relationship.
Boundaries clarify where you stop and where I begin, which problems
belong to you and which problems belong to me. What are boundaries?
"Just as homeowners set physical property lines around their
land, we need to se mental, physical, emotional and spiritual boundaries
for our lives to help us distinguish what is our responsibility and
what is not..." (Dr. Henry Cloud)
Each of us has boundaries, some of which go unspoken, in many areas of our lives. We set boundaries in regard to
physical proximity and touch, the words that are acceptable when we are spoken to, honesty, emotional intimacy
(such as how much we self-disclose to others). When one of both people in a relationship has difficulty with
boundaries, the relationship suffers. The following behaviours indicate a potential problem in setting and enforcing boundaries.
Signs of Unhealthy Boundaries
- Telling all
- Talking at an intimate level on the first meeting
- Falling in love with a new acquaintance
- Falling in love with anyone who reaches out
- Being overwhelmed by a person (preoccupied thinking about them)
- Acting on the first sexual impulse
- Being sexual for a partner, not yourself
- Going against personal values or rights to please others
- Not noticing when someone invades your boundaries
- Not noticing when someone else displays inappropriate boundaries
- Accepting food, gifts, touch, sex that you don't want
- Touching a person without asking
- Allowing someone to take as much as they can from you
- Letting others describe your reality
- Letting others define you
- Believing others can anticipate your needs
- Expecting others to fulfill your needs automatically
- Falling apart so someone will take care of you
Characteristics of a Healthy Relationship
- Both partners give and take, each getting their way some of the time and compromising some of the time.
- They respect each other, and value one another's opinions.
- They trust one another, and learn not to inflict jealous and restrictive feelings on the other if they should arise.
- Neither is afraid of the other.
- They communicate openly and honestly, and make their partners feel safe in expressing themselves.
- They share responsibility in decision-making.
- They accept the differences between them.
- They encourage each other to have friends and activities outside the relationship.
Tips for Parents
Point out features of healthy relationships from books, movies or real life. In addition to feelings of
love, emphasize the characteristics of a healthy relationship.
Children learn about relationships and appropriate behavior and boundaries from their parents or their parent and their partner(s). Teaching directly or indirectly by example is called modeling. Children pick up clues and cues through modeled behavior whether you want them to or not. This makes it especially important that you are aware of what you say and do especially as it concerns relationships.
Fighting fair is a learned skill that takes time, practice, and good
example. Ideally, it's good for kids to see how parents can have arguments
because they will also learn how to effectively problem solve with
a partner. Working through differences is a valid and vital part of
a healthy relationship. A child's best teacher is her parent.
Some day my prince(ss) will come...
Distinguishing the difference between fantasy partners and relationships
and reality seems to be becoming increasingly difficult. Soap operas
and reality television tell us that the 'perfect' partner is just
around the corner waiting with lots of money, good looks, and romance
day in and day out- flowers, jewels, breakfast in bed -- it's all
waiting for you! Celebrity million dollar weddings that only last
for a year have become so common place it seems to now be the norm-
the standard for us all.
In real life relationships are a fine balance between lots of fun and lots of work. Learning to communicate with another unique individual takes some effort. Romance is great, but it usually comes in small measured doses and it can't be expected in a lavish way every day.
Everyone has faults; minor and major. And it's up to you to learn
what you can and can not live with in a partner. Dating allows us
to experiment with a variety of different people and helps us learn
what we like in someone and what we're willing to let be. There is
no 'perfect' person. There is someone who is right for each of us,
but not in a fairy tale sort of way.
This section on healthy relationships was reprinted with the permission of the University of Northern Colorado Assault Survivor and Advocacy Program